*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
You Might Also Like
No, I don’t think I will.
Lmfaoooooo
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels