Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
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Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?