I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
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If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.