Never forget.
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In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I hope it’s French Onion!