If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
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[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Bill is short for Billiam
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
How to woo a woman
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
it’s finally my moment to shine