“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
getting groceries
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.