How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
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ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
How actors in movies eat their food
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”