game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
You Might Also Like
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
absolute chaos
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids