Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
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*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “