The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
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I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I’m aging like a fine banana
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.