There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life