I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
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“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.