The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book