“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
You Might Also Like
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window