[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
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[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
This is the one
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Festive toon…
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok