Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
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My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?