I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources