A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
crazy
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.