I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
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Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Did my cat write this
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.