Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
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Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.