Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
You Might Also Like
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.