This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
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Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
There’s always that one guy
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.