I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Liquor Store Parking
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
girls literally only want one thing..
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes