How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
You Might Also Like
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
one of
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?