The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
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Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
B
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
58.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!