Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
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ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
How to wake up a Beagle
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Hot hot hot 🥵
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.