How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
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discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.