I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Teach your children to beatbox
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog