The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Every time my phone rings
Many hands make light work
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.