*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
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Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
This line from Airplane.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
🍛
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Not even remotely sorry.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Me too 😆
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*