Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
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Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit