Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
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me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.