“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.