If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
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Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.