Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
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[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.