*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
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Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.