Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
You Might Also Like
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.