Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
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First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Holy crap this is wonderful