my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
mmm onion ringos
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
She: I like Cats
He:
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws