I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
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Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM