18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
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[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –