Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
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I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.