Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
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My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.