Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
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Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
How to find Kentucky on a map
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Note to self: always read the final line
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes