Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
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“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Happy Caturday!
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!