Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
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A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.