I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
They did not think through this water fountain
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
The honesty is refreshing
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie