Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Going to church you guys need anything
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!