I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.