I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.